The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick