Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
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Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what