“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.