@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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@AmishPornStar1: I don't know why I would want to "Keep Up" with them... I don't even know where Kardashia is. (geography's not my strong suit)
@snmrrw: Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the "Ras" and slipping back into Russian politics.
@juliussharpe: Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.
@AnkCoupleTO: Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined