@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
@roostermustache: Me: can i play music Funeral director: that's not appropriate Me: nana would've wanted it Director: ok CD player: someBODY once told me
@thenatewolf: *I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace* ME: Holy shit, that's sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?