@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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@ArfMeasures: ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I'm reading] WIFE: You're ruining that Kindle
@cubagoodingjr69: Bay: come over Me: no, I'm watching TMNT Bay: I made one too Me: but it's awful Bay: come watch it Me: who gave you my number, Michael
@jazmasta: That hot guy you see on the train every day with headphones on? Imagine....imagine if he was listening to a podcast. Not so hot now is he?
@meaganbb1: I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!