The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
i think both sides are to blame here
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
☺️
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.