@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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@upsidedowntrash: [Shark Tank] Me: [holding tiny top] It's called Blouses For Mouses™ CEO: The plural of mouse is mice. M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
@TheTweetOfGod: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But why are you walking around giving men fish? That's weird, dude.
@bridger_w: I wonder how smart I'd be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I've ever done
@joeljeffrey: I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How's it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".