The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.