The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
You Might Also Like
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Fidel Castro was alive?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious