The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*