The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.