The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
smh
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
they really do be looking like this