The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.