The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.