The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I’d use my best pan on you.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.