There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
2022 be like
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.