Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle