The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
*mops up wine with cat*
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.