deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You Might Also Like
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.