fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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Don’t talk down to me
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
sin harder.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.