Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
(True)
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back