who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid