[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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Golf would be better with landmines.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house