The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
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As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no