The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?