The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
my proudest tweet
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
i’m sure it’s fine
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?