@missekay: The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.
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@SatansTongue: 6th grade nurse: do you play baseball Me: uhh why Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than- Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much
@MartaEffing: My date thinks he's gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants. The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I'm wearing a skirt.
@iwearaonesie: wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*