My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.