@TheWhaleFacts: The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can't.
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@ohpegah: [my first attempt at standup] ME: So, I was at the gym the other day... MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren't
@waydybee: Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
@nigelgodwin: How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..