WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
You Might Also Like
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.