the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.