@kelkulus: The difference between men and women is that for men, "stabby" is not an emotion.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [dinner party] *host clinks glass* "Everyone we're having a baby"! *whispers to other guest* "Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian."
@KalvinMacleod: ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing. LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
@NoticablyBacon: Me: lets go on a date Her: umm Me: what could go wrong *25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
@Sickayduh: "What's that?" - My new boss. He's very deciduous" "Decisive?" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*