The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m tired tomorrow.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
very niche meme I made
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.