@samalmightysam: The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn't send you subtweets.
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@DaddyJew: Me: I'll have some cold water Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water Me: yall got ice? Clerk: yea Me: Clerk: Me: I have a crazy idea
@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
@CulturedRuffian: SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!