The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist