The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
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Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!