The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.