The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
You Might Also Like
Siri, fight Alexa.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
subtitles are so good nowadays
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.