The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
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The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Can’t. Being lazy.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
meanwhile over on facebook
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?