Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”