@SCbchbum: The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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@daemonic3: I don't understand the trend of Chinese restaurants with "NO MSG!" signs. Why would I eat somewhere that I can't send texts?
@mrtruthandsoul: Top 5 oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp 2. Civil war 3. Virtual reality 4. Great outdoors 5. Family vacation
@Mr_Kapowski: [getting ready to go out] Wife: I have nothing to wear! Me: *wearing my PE shirt from middle school* I'm ready to go
@_wangwe: Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.