The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]