The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
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Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Go girl power!
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*