The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week