@kumailn: The director of "A Girl in the River" went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
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@Reverend_Scott: [jumps in Uber] ME: HURRY I'M LATE UBER: [starts driving] ME: PULL OVER HERE [jumps out, pets dog] ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
@TheDeducers: *Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt* I'll have whatever is the most splattery and red
@Darlainky: I hate getting cut off because I've "had enough." Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
@Gooooats: Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.