The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Going into Monday like
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.