The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
You Might Also Like
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”