@sbellelauren: the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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@girl_a_whirl: [ER] *covered in blood holding eyeball Name? Stacy What's wrong? *nods to eyeball Looking at the chart, rate your pain I'm the winky face
@ProfaneDane: An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
@RuinMyWeek: I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait...
@noog: Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming "SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR"