@sbellelauren: the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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@Cunda22: I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don't look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
@RoosterMustache: *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy
@bridger_w: "I'm sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item