The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.