The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.