Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

Leaving the Barbers like

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews