The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.