I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.