an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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