The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You Might Also Like
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.