The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Hank is one in a melon.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.