@Lisa_Laughs_: The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup? Me: To look pretty. 5: But she's already pretty. Me: Aww. 5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@Book_Krazy: *Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa* You crazy? Security will hear us Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING Security: ALRIGHT
@kiel_phillips: INTERVIEWER: I'm sorry, I don't think you're really suited for the role of librarian BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?