@Lisa_Laughs_: The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
@MikeBigby: [Airport security supervillain screening] AGENT: Spell 'haha' ME: OK, 'M',-- AGENT: ur under arrest
@DurtMcHurtt: Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
@Beerhaze: Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!