You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Incredible customer service.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?